In March, Drew and I did swim lessons. Drew's love of swimming is a whole different post. He may have gills. Anyway, there was a mom and little boy in the class who were fairly new to the area. The kid was three and a half. I gave the mom the name of a preschool close to her house when she asked. About a week later, after swim lessons, I asked the mom if she had found time to check it out. She had, but decided it wasn't the right fit. This mom wanted the school to move her kid up to an older class because, well, he already knew all of the stuff in the class she observed. Okay, whatever, but did I mention she was telling me all of this as she was taking a swim diaper off of her boy and diapering him up for the rest of the day?! Um, yes, he's definitely too mature for the regular preschool class.
I am sure the kid is sharp. And I am sure he will be eventually potty trained. But this made me think yet again, of how hard it is to have clarity when it comes to our own kids. We don't see what everyone else sees. We live with our kids, love them, and don't see some of their shortcomings. That's good, until little things become big things.
I think that's where relatives come in. They love your kids, but they'll tell you things you might not see. Like when maybe you have bought your two year old way too many cars (I had a newborn, Matchbox cars are cheap, David loved them, but yes, thanks Mom, it was getting out of hand.)
Here is my little dilemma. All of a sudden David is having trouble sharing something. A week ago, I got the boys dive toys. There were four shark looking torpedoes in a pack. Drew chose two, David chose two. We take them every time we go to the pool. It's a neighborhood pool. Other kids are there. They want the torpedoes. David doesn't want to share. In our house, we have "special things" that don't have to be shared. We put these one or two items away if a friends are coming over and we know we'll feel bad seeing someone else holding/touching/playing with it. But pool toys? If we bring them, they are fair game. And I tell the boys we are happy to share. Except for these two silly little dive sticks. And to make it worse, every parent and kid seems to expect me to take them away from David and let their kid have a turn. So what should I do? Keep making him share because he has hoarding tendencies and everyone should share? Or sympathize with him and tell everyone else mitts off, they are his two dinky little toys and he loves them? The mom part of me says, hey, I never had to let my sister wear my new or favorite shirts. The teacher part of me says, suck it up and do it, we all have to share. What do you think?
8 comments:
well really you opened up pandora's box...and don't even get me started on moms who bring a whole slew of toys to the park, dump them in the sand, and then not expect other kids to come and play with them...but i think this is different. and believe me, i'd usually be the first to say your child should share. here's my reasoning:
1. he only has two (not like the million sand toys just lying in the sand. so clearly, if he's playing/diving with them then he kind of needs both of them to play the game.
2. those are his, he brought them to play with. sorry for the other kids, but life isn't always fair...maybe they just don't get to play with shark sticks that day. and i'm quite sure that any child living in edmond with a neighborhood pool is not usually being deprived of much, so it won't be that hard on them. in fact, their mom will probably go buy them shark sticks when they leave the pool.
3. if the child isn't directly playing "dive sticks" with david, then you don't want to be trapsing around the pool trying to keep track of your sticks.
4. don't worry about looking like a bad mom because you're not making your child share in this situation. you have a reasoning and you don't have to answer to anyone.
5. if you were reading a book while laying out by the side of the pool would you be expected to share it with her?
there's my two cents, take it or leave it.
wow i really should have proofread, but you get the gist besides #5 which should have read "would you really be expected to share it with another mom who comes along and just happens to want to read it?"
Ok, you are a WAY better person than I am. Because I would have looked at the mom changing the diaper and said, "Oh, you're probably right. I think you have to be potty trained to be in that class anyway."
I think, before I had kids, I didn't understand how clouded judgment could be when it comes to your own children. I think when I go back to teaching, I'll be better at relating to parents now that I have my own children.
As for sharing issue: Is this like at a friend's pool and he won't share with his friends or at a neighborhood pool and he won't share with a kid he doesn't know? If it's a kid he doesn't know, I say who cares if he doesn't share.
I kind of completely agree with Jessica. Plus, it's not like you haven't talked to him about sharing and he does this all the time with everything. He knows about sharing, he just doesn't want to share these.
Neighborhood pool. He likes the kids but they aren't his best buds. He likes to share with boys his own age...
I say no. He doesn't have to share. I don't let Blake touch the boat sitting on the side of the pool that no one is playing with because we didn't bring it. I just think I need to bring one of his next time.
I totally agree with what Jessica said. But, I think our situation is a little different. We literally live outside with other kids and moms--park, pizzeria, beach... and everyone's apartment in between. It is a large group of kids all about the same age. I think to maintain our sanity and because we moms are friends, we try to side with the other kid first by asking our own kid to "step up" and give sharing a try. But, I'm talking 4 and 5 year olds, not 2 year olds and they DO know how to share. I don't feel sorry for asking, I don't even really care who is right. They are going to be dealing with difficult people the rest of their lives, might as well get used to it??? I think, however, in the end, most of the time, the kid in the better mood loses; the cranky kid wins. Not fair, but if someone is willing to share, let 'em and who cares if it is just or not. Sometimes Sammy is napped-happy and ok to wait until so-and-so finishes on the swing even though they have already been on for an hour. If he isn't, I try and avoid asking him to share. I kinda set him up for a 100% (ha, ha, that's a dog training technique)
But, I'm talkin' about situations where we are out and having fun with our friends, so I guess my "just deal with it" attitude is so that the day/night can go on and we can enjoy eachother's company. I tell the kids, "hey, we can just go home," but that's a worse alternative to sharing if you're running wild with your best buddies!
My absolute best way to deal is not be around. Sounds negligent, but the other day I watched from a little distance thinking I would have to intervene when a friend picked up Sammy's favorite airplane. At first, I saw a "look" cross his face, but he must of decided it was fine because he went on to get a different airplane. I've noticed that if this group of kids has a mom to whine to, they do. Funny how I have noticed they don't choose to scout out a dad about these small squabbles. Maybe dads don't get as emotionally involved, so why bother.
The other thing I do is let it be known to my kids, "Hey, there's going to be other kids there. If you don't want to share, leave it at home." Other 4 year olds should ask, not grab, and then be able to handle a "no" or "not right now" but we also have a few "babies" running around and I remind my kids of how the little ones behave when it comes to toys. I think they get it.
We moms have some pretty "neutral" toys, too, that no one can fight over. One neighbor's kid has the biggest collection of plastic animals (the cheap kind, not Shleich) that you have ever seen... so many that if you throw a big box of those out, all the kids can find something they like. I've decided to do the same for our pizzeria. I have a fairly large box of "free" toys... like the Happy Meal kind, etc. I scoop out a bag of those and plop it down on the table in front of the 7 or more group of kiddos. There are too many to really fight over.
But, today, as I picked up an overturned bag of sandtoys that haven't been played with once this summer, I asked myself, "Why and I hauling this around everytime we go to the beach?!" I then looked over and saw a group of 5 kids, including mine, playing some made-up jumping game. More fun than a bucket of sand.
And last, the kids fight, but they get over it really quick. REALLY. One moment Rach doesn't like so-and-so, the next second they are best friends. It's the moms that make a big fuss over toys and such. I tell my kids the important thing is playing with your friends or sister or brother. Toys will get broken or you outgrow them. It's your friends that you'll miss the most when they move away, not their toys. (As three familes are about to move away from here, wipe tear)
If it were me, I'd probably tell David and the other kids he's going to play with it for a while but that after a while, he can share for a little bit. That way he is getting to play with his toys but also practice sharing a little. I'd probably say some kids can't afford fun pool toys (even though in that neighborhood...they probably can!). I tend to do that just to teach the kids there really are people who have NOTHING so they should feel very blessed and share that blessing. But totally let him get a lot of playing time by himself if that is what he enjoys!!
When friends come over to your house, I have always agreed with your way of putting those FAVORITE new toys away... your boys are good and you have taught them to share... being napped does play into 'melt downs' too when it comes to sharing... and some toys are common sense to share or not to be shared... one bike/ one kid, I say he does not have to share with the neighbor kid unless he gets off his bike and wants to share it... but a bouncy ball in a neighborhood of kids? Plan to share... I would not force him but encourage sharing... but another common sense approach is, WHEN you take toys from your house to a PUBLIC PLACE such as a neighborhood pool, your toys MAY get shared. Let the child make the choice. In your boys case if another child dives for the torpedo and then hands it to David, then it has turned into a game for him to enjoy OR put the toy torpedoes away until the older neighbor boys have left the pool. There will be plenty of other times to play alone. When your child gets older and takes his basketball to a park, a pic-up game may start... teach now to avoid a fight later... or the rule is if you don't want to share than stay in your drive-way and play alone. Sometimes you teach something on a small scale for those bigger games in life later. (Do I sound like Bonnie Hunts mother on her TV show!) LOL!
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